Today I don’t feel right. Though I’ve been taking the Pristiq religiously and had been feeling much better this
week, almost back to my pre-breakdown self, today I feel a familiar heaviness and emptiness. I know there will be days like this and I will work my way through it. I feel better just writing that.
I think I am worried about my daughter’s initiation into Beta tonight. I am proud of her, but my dread of going to the ceremony overwhelms my pride. I have become very reclusive since the breakdown. I know that is not ideal, but it seems to work best given my PTSD and social anxiety disorder. Social gatherings are painful for me. Being huge again exacerbates this tremendously. I know what most people are thinking when they look at me. At this size most people act like I’m invisible, their eyes sliding past me like I’m not there. But they often stare after I pass and this makes my daughter Belle angry. It was very difficult for me to again get used to people’s reactions to my size after having lost so much weight. I had several trips out that ended with me cursing or weeping as soon as I got into my car. Unfortunately, losing weight won’t help with this for a while because, while my current size makes me invisible, at around 315-380 I am HATED. I would not believe it had I not experied it several times while yo-yoing, but at that size range many people openly stare while I’m still facing them, and many purposefully glare. This became very hard to take after experiencing life smaller.
And I hate embarrassing Belle. She never acts any more embarrassed than any normal 12 year old, and never about my size, but I feel like she deserves better. I wish I fit in better, for her sake. I miss my cute size 18 clothes. I would love to go to her ceremony, dressed cute, full of energy, looking normal, and focussed on her achievement. But I will go, dressed cute enough, with my hair and makeup accentuating my positives, and be proud of her. Good enough. And I feel better now.