It seems so simple – why have I spent half my life on this struggle? Just eat healthy and stop bingeing, damn it! Yet it is not easy. Somehow my thinking is warped, always leading me back to the same mistakes, and I am tired of it. I’m more tired of the warped thinking than I am of the fat.
I will stop this destructive behavior pattern. I found an article on sparkpeople that might help. I am so much happier exercising and eating the way I am now – small portions of my favorite foods with lots of vegetables and fruits – than I am when I don’t work toward my health goals. But I get something from the other way of living, and it scares me that I don’t fully understand what that is. I need to figure it out and either decide to give it up or find a healthy way to get that need met.
When I’m eating what-I-want-now, the best moments are when I’m in the grocery store trying to decide what I want. I could have anything… birthday cake and ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, pie, donuts, chocolates… I like the feeling of limitless and unbound possibility. Why does this appeal to me? And why experience it through food?
I don’t understand bingeing at all. I know I zone out during a binge, not even tasting anything after the first few bites, but I can get that same feeling from any repetitive task – cardio and cleaning, for example. Again why am I stuck trying to meet these needs through food, failing, and still trying again anyway? Of course the needs aren’t fully met by food or I would not be so miserable while living that way.
I know most of my destructive thinking patterns were formed in my very traumatic childhood, and that I might not fully understand the beliefs that underlie my self-destructive behavior, but I know I can change how I act today, and thus gradually change my behavior, and slowly change my thinking. Other people have done it.
I woke ravenous. Yet I still expect to catch Belle’s stomach virus within three days, and that was killing my appetite yesterday and this morning. Having no appetite is such a weird feeling for me. Belle has started eating a little and looks much better.
Breakfast was a piece of toast and a frozen banana. I started eating the toast before remembering to snap a pic. For lunch I got braver and had oatmeal flavored with apple peels, craisins, two teaspoons of brown sugar, pecans, cinnamon, and vanilla. I had apple peels left from making Belle applesauce, and they are too nutrient-dense to trash. Too many peels made the oatmeal too chewy.
I became hungry in the early afternoon and felt even braver, so I had a treat – two fun size Milky Ways and some frozen cherries. Cherries and chocolate are amazing together.
For dinner I had chicken wonton soup. Again feeling braver, I ate chicken and added some veggies to my serving. It tasted so much better with the vegetables added.
For exercise I did a ten minute low impact cardio routine from fitness blender. I modified some moves but still got a good workout. I stretched for 5 minutes and tried meditating again – for about two minutes. I still don’t have much patience with meditating.