Resistance 3/6/17

Almost all of the clothes in my closet are too small. I’ll start fitting into some of them in a few months, I thought to myself as I fell asleep last night, and my stomach clenched in fear. Fear? WTH? I don’t understand, and it’s scary.

Paying attention to resistance is critical. Something lurking in my mind has caused me to gain hundreds of pounds back twice, to binge eat though it made me miserable, to give up exercise though I loved it, and I don’t think I’ll ever be safe from it, but I can learn to pay attention and still live my best life.

I’ve mentioned resistance several times. Sometimes I don’t want to exercise, or eat reasonable portions, or run an errand. So I figure out why I feel that way and find a way around the resistance. I fear I’ve made this process sound insultingly simple – sort of like ‘just do it.’ Sure that’s the crux of the solution, but it’s completely useless advice when a person’s thoughts are poisoned.

My biggest problem with resistance is that it is usually mostly subconscious. For most of my life I was unaware of it and therefore powerless to fight it. Until recently, it never occurred to me there was a why, other than that I was incurably lazy, crazy, or such a pig I’d even eat a turd if it were covered in chocolate. Harsh – and that is not how I choose to think of myself, but that is how I was taught to think of myself for years, and no amount of therapy, yoga, omega 3’s, positive thinking, or determination will ever completely scrub it out of my mind. I have to fight that battle daily.

Scared of the cute clothes in my closet? That really bothers me because I can’t dig up the why, so I feel like I’m fighting blind. But hell I don’t have to wear them. If I feel safer in ratty bleach-and-grease-stained tees and sweatpants that used to be black, fine! I’m just tired of being uncomfortably huge and unfit. I remember having energy to spare, so much energy Belle lagged behind me. I remember feeling stronger and healthier, and I want it back.

So I’ll keep digging into that resistance and fighting with all I’ve got.

Meals

For breakfast I had an oreja pasty from a Hispanic Bakery (Belle had a muffin) and we also ate some fruit. The pastries made us so full that most of the fruit was left for later.

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For lunch I had a big chef salad.

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Belle requested Broccoli nachos for dinner, and I used chickpeas since I didn’t have any other white beans. I made Oven baked tortilla chips for the nachos. I save money by making a lot of foods from staples instead of buying processed junk like tortilla chips. And these are so much better than the bagged chips.

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For dessert I had two fun sized Almond Joys and frozen cherries.

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Exercise

15 minutes of an upper body barre workout. After 6 minutes, the instructor chirped, “Warm up all done!” and I almost dropped.

Focus and motivate

Read 6 articles, commented on others’ successes, and prayed a lot.

Dealing with emotions 

After writing about resistance this morning I was angry and sad. Even being able to recognize my emotions is new for me; handing them in a healthy way, instead of numbing myself by overeating, feels miraculous. So I soothed myself by turning up the thermostat (I’m cheap), putting on fuzzy socks and a hoodie, and drinking hot herbal tea, without sweetener. I also get very cold as I lose weight, since I’ve been huge since I was 3. At 250 I shivered until the temperature reached about 90 F and could not tolerate AC. Yet another reason I’ve set 280 as my goal weight.

I also exercised earlier than usual, which helped more than anything, then practiced Deep breathing. And Tigre, who always knows when I’m not 100%, gave me extra attention today.

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