Rage, sorrow, and recovery

Move

Belle and I went for a walk at a park a few miles away. It was beautiful and helped me feel much better.

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Eat

For breakfast I creamed a pat of butter with two teaspoons of sugar, 1/4 tsp or more of cinnamon, and a few drops of vanilla extract, then I spread this on home-made white bread and baked it at 350 for ten minutes. I enjoyed this with a pear and black coffee.

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For lunch I finished the broccoli and beans Belle left last night, with a whole wheat tortilla, some salsa, and the rest of the guacamole (smash an avocado with lime juice, sriracha, onion and garlic powder, and salt). I also ate a few berries and grapes out of the fruit bowl and drank a grapefruit flavored seltzer.

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For dinner we had Chinese take out. I ate half an order of shrimp with snow peas and about half a cup of rice.

 

 

Focus and motivate

Read 6 articles and commented on others’ successes.

Heal

I felt enraged yesterday after realizing how unsafe I always feel. I still, after 13 years of therapy, have much work to do on trauma recovery, and I don’t think doctors or therapists truly know much about this. At least they are finally starting to realize that remembering doesn’t cure all, and could cause additional harm.

Remembering and thinking about the abuse is probably not helpful for me, though sometimes I cannot keep memories and even flashbacks out of my head. I think I need to feel the rage, and work through it – exercise it out, meditate, and pray. In addition to working toward my health goals, and hopefully helping others do the same, I’d like to contribute to the fight against childhood sexual abuse, and the quest for recovery.

Research is establishing a correlation between childhood abuse and severe obesity in women. This doesn’t surprise me – I’ve known since my first weight regain in my twenties that I felt safer fat. Yet it still shocks me how high a price I’m willing to pay for that feeling of safety. 450 pounds feels miserable.

Here are some articles I found with some information and/or advice on recovery

Wearing Your Weight As Armor

Why Survivors of Childhood Abuse are Often Obese examples of recovery included at the end of the article

Are you afraid to be thin? Includes questions to work through

How to be thin Offers practical advice on achieving a permanent lifestyle change. I suspect this link will be most useful to me in my recovery, since it focuses on the actions required for permanent healthy change.

One woman’s journey to recovery I love the analogy used here about the golden glue.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse short article with a list for emotional recovery.

I also started using EFT, a tapping technique that often helps in recovery. And I prayed a lot on recovery.

The walk in the park helped a lot. Exercise plus nature is super therapy. I will do this again soon.

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